It needs to end, this way of thinking. It traps me into a corner, away from productive, positive forwardness.
I wonder if she knows he still calls me. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. I wonder if the desire to believe drowns out her guilt. I wonder if there was ever guilt.
Look at the leaves, Alivia. They're changing and you love that. Think about ballet, the possessive rightness of it. How it doesn't waver in loyalty. How you return the favor.
I wonder if she knows he still calls me. I wonder why my brain turns to her, and not him. Because she was my friend? Or because I see myself in what she did, and how she believes. No, my brain cries. No, no no no no.
Listen to Dan. To Mary Beth. My time is precious and my thoughts are mine. Mine. I must consciously decide not to think of him.
Put another thought there. Something that will make you happy. Do. It.
He will be wonderful, and gracious, and kind down to his core. He will bring you flowers and leave you notes. He will understand the gravity of the words when you tell him you love him. He'll respect you enough to respect himself.
He's going to make plans and keep them. Surprise you. Ramble on about how much you'll love the book he's reading. He'll feel and understand your reflexive, deep breath that comes with the sight of a quiet mama and tiny baby.
He'll know that you live for the smell of coffee, the fall of snow, the weight of a plane ticket in your hand. He'll love how much you love.
He is going to love you like no one has, or could, or can. You'll lose the doubt that has worked its way into your heart.
He's going to take care of you, and he's going to stay.
10 comments:
You will find him, Aliva. And he will be all those things you listed and so many more that you didn't even think to write down. :)
You are much too beautiful, too kind, too creative and too lovable. Infact, maybe for all those reasons...he'll find YOU. ;)
This made me said. She really was your friend?
Hope you find another love soon!
Just stumbled upon your blog. I'm inspired. I think I'll stay awhile. :)
He'll be all that, Liv, and even more. So much more. You deserve, you need, you will get all that and even more because you are so much more. YOU are a bright light in the world (even during days you feel dark) and he, too, will be a bright light. And I know you won't settle for less because I haven't seen you settle for less in any other aspect of your life. He'll be all that, Liv, and even more.
What Emily said...
I third what Emily said.
and i love you, cousin!
I'm new to your blog and I'm not sure exactly what happened.. but it sounds like you bf cheated on you with your friend.. which has happened to me. and I am here to tell you that I am now ridiculously happily married and I thank God every day that I went through that, because it got me closer to finding the one. and he is all those things you listed and so much more! Keep faith, stay positive.. this is the BEGINNING. Not the end.
AND KEEP LISTENING TO ME
god yes yes yes to all of this and much more. he is out there, running furiously towards you. i know it! xo
you ARE going to find hi Liv.
I have faith.
and it will be as AMAZING than in Easy A....no actually it will be better. because it will be you. and your life!
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