Maybe I'm doing it backwards. Maybe I need to get this comfortable with life after things happen. Things. You know, the shit you thought you'd have together by this age? My age? Maybe.
Maybe it's okay to swear upwards of ten times at your IKEA bureau because it's "broken" when in reality, your camera cord is just stuck in your unorganized underwear drawer. So that's where my camera is. Was.
I can't imagine my quirks being anywhere close to something resembling "enduring." Like "Oh, she's beautiful and sweet and she does silly things like only finish 1/3 of her tea, no matter how big the cup is. She likes football and knows all about art history and listens to ridiculously absurd music...but she's just great."
For a long time, I tried to be that girl. "I'll just work really hard at being pretty!" Working out, paying attention to tweezing my eyebrows, writing "Shave your legs like you aren't single as fuck! *smiley face*" on the calendar. You know, normal, insecure things.
"Maybe my quirk will be that I drink tea and hate coffee. And I don't like the Beatles. Yeah. That's original, right? And I'll pretend to like....tattoos?" Fake it til I make it.
Except now I love coffee, the Beatles, and dammit I can't help but like tea on purpose. And tattoos make me go weak in the knees.
It worked for a while. A unique, musical, artsy, weird boy I liked was interested in me for two or three minutes and that was nice. And then his ex girlfriend called me a whore from the other end of the hallway and I spent the rest of the afternoon crying in the bathroom. Somehow I still loved high school.
So that was cool.
Except I'm not in high school anymore. I'm sitting at my dining room table, with an empty beer bottle and a stale chocolate chip cookie, browsing internet sites like I'm being paid for it. "These aren't quirks," I realized while trying to restrain a crazed goldendoodle in my minuscule front yard, (after she had another accident on the carpet of course. "No, my life is not pathetic at all." she said, sarcastically). Not quirks. Just things. Things I do. Alone.
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10 comments:
I can empathize. You're doing great, kid. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
I love all of these things about you. They're even better than quirks. And my goodness, can I relate. To all of it. Which makes me feel less alone, and hopefully you, too.
(P.S. This post has a gorgeous edge to it, as do you.)
Are you kidding me? If you are truly who you appear to be in your posts, then you are freaking awesome.
You do those things alone because you are YOU. I mean, geez, if other people were doing them, then they would be mainstream and not even cool anymore. You're interesting. You are funny. You seem to be nice. You are a really good writer. You are an ARTIST (part of the job of an artist is to feel alone. you're doing well.) And someday, an amazing man is going to find you, and he's going to love all of those things about you.
Until then, we love you. And, not be cliche (but rather, to be honest), God loves you.
You really are awesome.
I... i don't get it, how is it possible for girls like you to be alone? what has the world become...
nice post, true, from the heart, i love it.
"Shave your legs like you aren't single as fuck! *smiley face*"
um. you are my new hero. this post just proves how amazing your writerly voice is, so there.
Doesn't matter if you call them quirks. Doesn't matter if they are just things. What matters is that they are little bits of YOU-- bits of you that people love and want to be around. Don't ever shy away from YOU. Besides, you can't be with anyone else until you can be with yourself alone. Does that make sense?
how about this: i love you.
i liked this post lots.
you are wonderful.
You are lovely. Always lovely. Life sucks sometimes, and things get overwhelming, but you are loved by many. And deserve it. It's tough to remember that when these types of moods settle in, but it is true. And it will turn around.
<3
My identity is a secret!
very well said. very inspirational. :) thank you
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