Today I was all
"I'm going to write a post about dancing to Charlie Brown's Christmas and homemade hot cocoa and sprinkles and my cat drinking from the faucet and warm socks."
Not joking.
But then I was all
"I wish I were funny. Like the ladybloggers that other ladybloggers tweet about "Girlfriend is so funny!" "This girl is the shit."
You know how in middle school, when you're the only one on the planet in your neverending awkward stage? Except everyone else is thinking the same thing but you can't see it because you're covered in a pile of insecurities and social anxieties and 'what kind of person am I going to be today?'-ities and terrible fitting clothes? Maybe you didn't have an awkward faze and you were just cool and collected from birth and you can just stop reading right now because I hate you.
Well, wait a second. I guess good for you. I'm bitter, that's all.
Here's kind of why:
I don't think I ever grew out of my awkward stage.
That pile I talked about up there? I'm still under it. It's heaviest when I'm blogging and dressed like I am. Sister's bathrobe, glasses, hair held with a scrunchie and probably some puppy food for volume, bare feet and I'll be damned if you can find a bra anywhere. And I'm reading blogs while listening to the sound of my list of chores growing to the size of a toddler and Suzy Sarah Mae Perfect Blogger is talking about her babies and husband and "This dress is super perfect! And only five dollars! Off to the farmer's market we go, and then to get new records and high heeled shoes and then out to a fancy restaurant for dinner and then we're so perfect, thank perfect goodness God has blessed our perfect little family with such perfect perfection."
And I'm all
Shit.
But even when I've showered and put myself together, I'll go to tweet something and stare at the screen for what seems like ever, thinking "I wonder if this is funny. Funny enough." I wonder if I'm enough.
And then I get angry at myself because this whole thing has a total "First World Problem" label on it and I'm selfish and misguided and ugly inside. Oh, she feels insecure when tweeting? Her life is so bad.
My ever present internal argument concerning what is okay to be sad about is another story for another day, though.
I get it, and maybe that's why it's so hard. I could just comment on Suzy Sarah Mae's blog and be all "Oh, I want your life! It seems so lovely! Do you have any tips on how to get so lovely?"
And she, assuming she has a heart, would maybe reply with "Be yourself! Just be yourself :)"
WHICH WE ALL KNOW TO BE BULLSHIT.
Not entirely, but you know. Being yourself is a double edged sword cliche...thing. Just be yourself...but may God have mercy on your fashion blogging soul if you post something you wear and it's boring and 0 Comments is staring you in the face and you're sponsoring a blog and gain absolutely no followers. There isn't not a lot of support, there.
Well, you know what? I'm going to take my bathrobe-wearing, dirty face-having, sans bra self and sit up a little straighter. You too. Do it. Even if you went to Julliard for modern dance and have a perfect life already, try to sit a little straighter.
Now that we're all up here...
I don't know. I don't know what to say. I am least insecure when I'm pairing my blogging with beer (beering? blogging and beering?). IMAGINE THAT. Just think, I get less insecure when I've had alcohol. But here's the thing. I feel like I say that a lot with out saying specifically one thing, so here's A thing:
Alivia
+ Hard cider
+ Blogging
-----------------------------
Honest writing that people actually read and find interesting.
I'm not suggesting you start spiking your coffee or tomato soup in order to blog freely, but remember that it's okay. It's okay to blog without the thoughts like "But what if no one likes it and there's this big chuck of writing no one reads and I don't want to be myself I want to be someone else!" Try to consciously tell yourself to blog unhindered by these thoughts. People prefer it. If they don't, well who cares. If you're writing/whatevering for other people's enjoyment, you're doing it wrong in the first place anyway.
Tunes.
Friends
recent instagrams
sponsors + friends
Search Me
13 comments:
loved reading this. love you. and love that you are going to be nice to Alivia. Remember I told you, i'll kick your butt if you're not nice to my love, Alivia!
I totally get it. I think your beautiful and I think that when Alivia is herself, she is absolutely lovely. And that's why I like her.
Sometimes it's great to read blogs that are really up beat and whatnot but when that is all they write about, it just feels like bullshit after a while. Your blog is a favorite of mine because you do keep it real. It's not about all the bad or all the good in your life...it's just you being honest about your life. And honesty is so much more worth reading than bullshit.
Heck I'm insecure about updating my status on Facebook, what if I embarrass myself? what if its not funny? what if no one likes it? it must mean nobody loves me... sob. I can't imagine what blogging must be like.
Just so you know your blog is always the first one I read. Thank you for being real and imperfect (I mean that in the best possible way). Merry Christmas to you and Lunabell and any faucet drinking kittys:)
I don't blog but I definitely understand where you're coming from. Sometimes, it's just hard putting yourself out there for all to see. I just hope you realize how great you are and how much you mean to me and our friends.
:-)
This is such a great post. It can be terrifying putting yourself out on the internet, or just in life everyday. Yeah, it is nice to see the all done up, I-have-a-perfect-life bloggers, but let's be real here. I appreciate bloggers like you, Emily, Nicole, and Anymommy because you show the truth. You're real on the Internet and you do it because you love it. That is the most important thing. Heck, I have just about 5 people that regularly read my blog, but I still love it. It may be selfish, but I do it for me, because I love it. So thanks for this post and all of your posts. Keep being you.
Cool post & Merry Christmas! For a second I thought you disabled commenting on this post as a dramatic f-u for caring too much about other people's opinions.
Alivia, you're adorable, honestly! I even like you more after reading this post!
I think it's quiet important to keep in mind that bloggers only share what they want to share. We mostly meet them at their best; they don't show their weak and insecure moments. Posts like this make you so human and likeable!
(Already) Wish you a wonderful christmas
you go girl. first world problem or not, it's totally legit to feel this way. thinking everyone else is so secure but meanwhile we're all in the same boat. so true. go on girl with your blogging / beering!!!
Dude I love you.
I am EXACTLY the same way. AND I totally relate to everything you just said. AND after some alcohol insecurities disappear and I become much more honest. And fun. At least we can take comfort in the fact that there really are other people out there like us!
And girl, you are hilarious. With or without hard cider.
<3
Gahhh. Yes. I totally get this. I spend waayyy too much time wondering how in the world some bloggers manage to have such a perfect life. And even if they don't, how do they make it look so perfect? (I can't even fake it!) And sometimes I do think people would rather read a blog about a perfect life because, whoa, the perfect-life-blogs have more followers than people I've met in my entire life.
BUT.
When I first met you (irl), it was like you had stepped off a page of your blog. You were sweet and funny and gorgeous and frustrated with flight delays and just so lovable. I think the fact that you can slip from a blog page to real life so easily is why you are one of The Best bloggers. (And you are one of The Best in real life, too.)
I always say to myself don't let what people say about you get you down. But it's really hard. I seem strong on the outside but I really just want to be liked. When I find out that someone dislikes me I normally just get quiet and act like it doesn't bother but I go home and cry and sit and wonder what I did. I try oh so hard to to be myself and hope that people like me for who I am. But anyways I really enjoy you posts. :)
Post a Comment