rise & fall of my balance.

I sit down at our dining room table with my giant mug of steaming tea. It's wonderful. I check and reply to email, I find new music for my classes. I pat the dog.
I think about the mundane and so my heart turns a lighter shade of red. I browse warm, motivating-to-the-core inspirational photos and stories. The shade of red gets a bit deeper.

I watch my little ones dance over the floor, see the concentration between their eyebrows, and the color gets deeper still.

And then, suddenly, it's gray. All of the things I want, the thoughts that consume my mind while driving, that pummel my heart with "What ifs," sink into my muscles, somewhere between the collarbone and neck. Distraction makes them lighter, but never does that feeling lift completely.

I meet a man at the park and he's sweet to Lunabelle. The weight lifts slightly.

The talks with my grandparents make me forget negatives and what-ifs and timid thoughts and weak feelings. I almost cry with happiness and comfort that I am blessed enough to know such beautiful people. I put the phone down and the full feeling slips, albeit slowly, away.

The list of "Somedays" hasn't gotten longer, but it hasn't diminished noticeably. This lack of progress sinks into my shoulder spot and strengthens the grayness in my heart. I write to reverse this and I am left with only rearranged thoughts and a shifted anxiousness. Now I'm late for the life I live,
often resent,
chose and would choose over again,
& need--so much that I feel empty without.

The balance will restore itself soon enough.